I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
