Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Quick, to the slutcave!
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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