I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
