i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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