just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
