Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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