shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
