i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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