If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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