i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
