i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize