Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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