Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
