i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
