made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
