i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
