TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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