Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
