how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
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