my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
