No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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