You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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