Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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