Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
