im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
