Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
