Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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