Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize