im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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