Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I look excited, but its just a facade.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
