Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
