Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I think your dad took our porno
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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