Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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