i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
