My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
