It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
