If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I wish there were birth control emojis
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
