omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You need Xanax blowdarts
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
