just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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