I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm getting married
To pizza
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
