if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
