you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
