I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
