just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
