I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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