do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize