Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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