She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
