we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
