Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
