How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
