We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
