I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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