I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
