There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
