i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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