cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize