im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
