Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
