no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
well you can't waste a boner
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
