They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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