when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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