i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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