He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
