Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
