Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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