At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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