the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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