wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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