Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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