When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
