So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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