I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
